To My David Matthew

David,
Do you know that I love you with every ounce of my being? Not the every day common love that people talk about, but the love that spans across time. The love that buries itself so far into my soul that people can see it in my eyes when I look at you.

Do you know that I admire you? I admire your genuineness, your kindness, your loyalty, and your undying affection for our children. People respect you because you're an honest man with honest intentions. You're never boastful, mean, spiteful, or hurtful. You speak with kind words and you honestly make me a better person.

Do you know that I have never, not once, thought about being with anyone but you since the day we met? I can remember the moment of our first kiss like it was only yesterday. I was wearing a red sweater, you were wearing the same sport coat that you wore when you asked me to marry you. I wasn't thinking about anything else in the world at that moment. I knew that you were the only man I was going to kiss for the rest of my life. And almost 9 years later I feel the exact same way.

Do you know that I love my life? This is a tough one, I know. I'm not going to sugar coat the fact that our day to day life is often frustrating, draining, and maddening. But your hard work has allowed me to weep while rocking our babies to sleep at nap time. The good weeping, the weeping that comes from pure joy. I've been able to see first steps, hear first words, experience first trips to the playground, and have endless cuddle sessions with our babies. You are the reason that my life is good.

My one hope is that you feel the same. I fear that there have been times that I haven't loved you the way you deserve to be loved and for that I have truly sorry. You are my one. You are my only. You are my forever. Please always know that you have my heart and as long as I have yours, I vow to protect it. You are the center of my circle.

123

My Mother's Day

Usually a few days before a holiday or my birthday David says "do you want to go ahead and open your gift?'' He gets so excited to show me that he can't make it to the actual day, but Mothers Day was an exception!

I went to see my dad yesterday to celebrate his 80th birthday and David asked me to be home by 5:00 so that I had time to get ready for my gift. I had no idea what he was planning. He outdid himself!

 

I came home to find a suitcase on the bed with a receipt for a pre-paid suite! I was asked to pack my bag so that he could add something to it after I'm done and I couldn't open it again until I got to the hotel. David then said "you also have a reservation at Ruth's Chris for 8:00 and Tiffany will be meeting you there." I was so excited I think I jumped up and down and couldn't stop smiling. How he pulled this off I have no idea.

 

I was immediately flooded with anxiety and guilt. David and Annabelle were sick so I felt horrible leaving him at home with all the kids. He told me to stop and get my bag and leave. So I did just that! I got to my room, which was beautiful, and unpacked my bag. I see my kindle with an unread book on it and a pretty blue box. He knows how I love blue boxes! It's my first cross and it's stunningly beautiful.

 

 

Tiffany met me at the restaurant and we stayed for two and a half hours! We had fantastic food and got caught up on our daily lives. I love spending time with such a kind, intelligent, and hard working mother. She's amazing and I wouldn't have wanted to have dinner with anyone else.

I took my leftovers back to the hotel, called David, then I immediately went to sleep! I work up and went to the gym to get in an hour long work out. Although I missed the kids like crazy, It was nice not to have to pack them all up to go to the gym.
I showered, packed, stopped into a nail salon for a pedicure then drove as fast as I could home. I entered the house and had little people running toward me yelling "mama's home!" I can honestly say that was the best part. Madelyn and Christopher gave me their homemade cards. David told me how glad he was that I had fun but that he was even more happy to have me back.

Being a mother of four is hard, exhausting, at times frustrating, but it's also wonderful, lovely, joyful, amazing, astounding, and the best thing on Earth. David and the kids own my heart, my mind, and my love. They're my reason for living.

I don't have to have it all together.

I try and make it a point to have only positive Facebook posts, but this morning I just wasn't feeling it. After another trying morning getting the girls ready to go to the gym with me, my heart was just sad. My Facebook status was " I feel like I just can't get it together most days. Too many moving parts. Too many to do's, too many tasks, not enough me."

It took what seemed like forever to get everyone fed, dressed for cold weather, into the car, then into the gym and to their rooms. I surprised Madelyn and Charlie with a promise that Annabelle would go to her room and they could go swimming with me. They were so excited, smiling non stop, getting a little crazy like they do when they're looking forward to something, and running around like they'd hit the jackpot.
And then I realize I packed for everyone but me. There was only an hour left of available daycare, it would take 10 minutes to get into the pool and even longer to get everyone back out. I thought about taking all 3 of them but I couldn't keep all 3 of them safe by myself so I had to tell them we couldn't swim. Another broken promise made by mom.

I felt guilty. I feel guilty a lot. I felt guilty getting to sleep later than David, losing my temper when I asked Madelyn to get her shoes on for the 4th time, guilty for forgetting my swimsuit and ruining our fun time, guilty for just wanting to sit on the couch and relax when we got home because the 1.5 hour long trip to Wal-Mart completely drained all the energy I had. Guilty for not being at home when David got there for lunch. Guilty for feeling guilty over stupid things that don't actually matter AT ALL.

 

 

So to try and turn things around we bought some supplies at Wal-Mart to do a project I saw on the internet. It was melting crayons into fun shapes and rainbow colors. Pretty simple and the girls loved it. To be truthful they completely forgot about swimming and just wanted to do something with their mom. Not the mom who breaks promises or gets upset, but the mom that they love unconditionally. I totally tried to get Christopher in on it, but he's too old and not interested in little kid projects anymore. I did wrangle a picture out of him though, and I'm going to make sure he and his dad have some fun time together tomorrow. I try. David tries. We try. That's all we can do.

This boy. This boy with a kind heart that he wears on his sleeve.
His God has amazing plans in store for him.


 

And before the afternoon was over I realized, I don't have to have it all together. No one has to have it all together because God has it all together. My God has me in his hands and he will never lead me astray. I am a good mom, I love my children so much it hurts, and I try my best to show them God's love but I will fail. Men will always fail you. So never put your complete faith and trust in mankind. I put my faith in Jesus Christ, the redeemer of my soul. He never fails, but it's okay when I do because he's there to pick up the pieces and put them together again.

Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the Lord that will stand. Proverbs 19:21.

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11

Love,
Lisa

I rocked Charlie.

Madelyn said "mama, Charlie's asleep on the couch." So I looked over and sure enough, she was fast asleep. I instantly knew what I wanted to do. Pick her up, carry her to her room, and rock her. So I took a quick picture and did just that.

I haven't rocked Charlie in a very long time and I needed this. She melted into me as I held her and listened to her breathe. I picked up her little hand and held it against my face, kissed her what seemed like at least 100 times, and then cried. She's not a baby anymore and while that's exciting, it's sad. I adore watching her learning new things and seeing her inner person emerge. I look at all of my children and think about how I won't remember these moments when they're older. Time passing away and taking these memories with it.

While wiping my tears I started praying. I pray every night for my children but this one was different. You know the prayers where the words flow freely, there's no energy spent, and you know it's coming from your soul.

"God, please take their hearts, and help me preserve them for you. Please give them someone to walk along side them that has their best interests at hand and will never lead them astray from you. Please help them keep their innocence as long as possible and help me guard it as well. Please help me be in the moment and if you have to knock me to the ground to be there then that's what I want. Please let me show your love so that I lead by example."

After I finished praying I sat with Charlie a little longer. I put her in her bed and walked out of her room. My soul felt heavy and sad because I know my babies are growing up and they won't need me as much anymore, but then God told me that it's okay and he has more planned for me.

"Lord, let salvation spring up within my children, that they may obtain the salvation that is in Christ Jesus, with eternal glory." (Isa. 45:8; 2 Tim. 2:10)