I will be upfront and let you know this will be completely negative. This is for my benefit and will not uplift anyone so please feel free to stop reading and move onto something better. Today has been the hardest day of my journey so far. But I cannot take my frustration out on 4 children and I try not to take it out on my husband so here I go.
I woke up pissed off! You know those days when you wake up and already know it's not going to go well and everything is going to be negative. Yep, that was today. And sorry for the language but that's the best explanation I have.
I didn't want to go to the gym, I didn't want to change another diaper, I didn't want to argue with 2 irrational children, I didn't want to do another 3 loads of laundry, clean dishes, mop, sweep, etc... What I wanted to do was eat the sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit that made it into my McDonald's bag yesterday by mistake. Then eat a bagel with butter, a couple pieces of bacon, some sausage, some biscuits with gravy, and a Mt. Dew. So that not only upset me because I wanted to eat an entire grocery store but knowing that I can't eat those foods ever... Moderation is not something I am good at and I was born with the metabolism of a slug so I have to say bye to the things I love. And by the things I love I mean food. Good food. Carbohydrates saturated in fats food. And you know what? It's not fair. It's not fair that some people can eat a truck load of Little Debbie cakes while washing it down with sweet tea and NEVER gain a pound. It's not fair that some people don't really care about food and have to remind themselves to eat something. It's not fair that for some reason the part of my brain that is supposed to tell me I'm satisfied doesn't work. IT'S NOT FAIR!
Not to mention Madelyn and Charlie was extremely ill-behaved today. Annabelle bit me twice while nursing her, and I had to wake both babies up in order to get Christopher to gymnastics on time. That only meant one thing. David would get home late. That was just another hour of being ganged up on by little people who you cannot reason with and will do the exact opposite that I ask of them.
Now it's dinner time and I shut myself in my bedroom to get 20 minutes to myself. There is chicken ready to eat and dang it, I DON'T WANT CHICKEN! I want what other people are having... Then there's sweeping the same floors I've swept 4 times already, more dishes, more diapers, more frustration. More reminding myself that I am again in the place I said I would never be again. Agonizing about losing the weight I gained while just doing what I love. Eating.
So with all that being said, I will eat the stupid chicken and pretend it's something that tastes good. I will thank God for everything that I am obviously taking for granted and complaining about. I will ask for his forgiveness and strength. And I will ask that tomorrow be a better day.
