David,
Do you know that I love you with every ounce of my being? Not the every day common love that people talk about, but the love that spans across time. The love that buries itself so far into my soul that people can see it in my eyes when I look at you.
Do you know that I admire you? I admire your genuineness, your kindness, your loyalty, and your undying affection for our children. People respect you because you're an honest man with honest intentions. You're never boastful, mean, spiteful, or hurtful. You speak with kind words and you honestly make me a better person.
Do you know that I have never, not once, thought about being with anyone but you since the day we met? I can remember the moment of our first kiss like it was only yesterday. I was wearing a red sweater, you were wearing the same sport coat that you wore when you asked me to marry you. I wasn't thinking about anything else in the world at that moment. I knew that you were the only man I was going to kiss for the rest of my life. And almost 9 years later I feel the exact same way.
Do you know that I love my life? This is a tough one, I know. I'm not going to sugar coat the fact that our day to day life is often frustrating, draining, and maddening. But your hard work has allowed me to weep while rocking our babies to sleep at nap time. The good weeping, the weeping that comes from pure joy. I've been able to see first steps, hear first words, experience first trips to the playground, and have endless cuddle sessions with our babies. You are the reason that my life is good.
My one hope is that you feel the same. I fear that there have been times that I haven't loved you the way you deserve to be loved and for that I have truly sorry. You are my one. You are my only. You are my forever. Please always know that you have my heart and as long as I have yours, I vow to protect it. You are the center of my circle.
123
Thursday, September 3, 2015
Sunday, May 10, 2015
My Mother's Day
Usually a few days before a holiday or my birthday David says "do you want to go ahead and open your gift?'' He gets so excited to show me that he can't make it to the actual day, but Mothers Day was an exception!
I went to see my dad yesterday to celebrate his 80th birthday and David asked me to be home by 5:00 so that I had time to get ready for my gift. I had no idea what he was planning. He outdid himself!
I came home to find a suitcase on the bed with a receipt for a pre-paid suite! I was asked to pack my bag so that he could add something to it after I'm done and I couldn't open it again until I got to the hotel. David then said "you also have a reservation at Ruth's Chris for 8:00 and Tiffany will be meeting you there." I was so excited I think I jumped up and down and couldn't stop smiling. How he pulled this off I have no idea.
I was immediately flooded with anxiety and guilt. David and Annabelle were sick so I felt horrible leaving him at home with all the kids. He told me to stop and get my bag and leave. So I did just that! I got to my room, which was beautiful, and unpacked my bag. I see my kindle with an unread book on it and a pretty blue box. He knows how I love blue boxes! It's my first cross and it's stunningly beautiful.
I took my leftovers back to the hotel, called David, then I immediately went to sleep! I work up and went to the gym to get in an hour long work out. Although I missed the kids like crazy, It was nice not to have to pack them all up to go to the gym.
I showered, packed, stopped into a nail salon for a pedicure then drove as fast as I could home. I entered the house and had little people running toward me yelling "mama's home!" I can honestly say that was the best part. Madelyn and Christopher gave me their homemade cards. David told me how glad he was that I had fun but that he was even more happy to have me back.
Being a mother of four is hard, exhausting, at times frustrating, but it's also wonderful, lovely, joyful, amazing, astounding, and the best thing on Earth. David and the kids own my heart, my mind, and my love. They're my reason for living.
Friday, February 13, 2015
I don't have to have it all together.
I try and make it a point to have only positive Facebook posts, but this morning I just wasn't feeling it. After another trying morning getting the girls ready to go to the gym with me, my heart was just sad. My Facebook status was " I feel like I just can't get it together most days. Too many moving parts. Too many to do's, too many tasks, not enough me."
It took what seemed like forever to get everyone fed, dressed for cold weather, into the car, then into the gym and to their rooms. I surprised Madelyn and Charlie with a promise that Annabelle would go to her room and they could go swimming with me. They were so excited, smiling non stop, getting a little crazy like they do when they're looking forward to something, and running around like they'd hit the jackpot.
And then I realize I packed for everyone but me. There was only an hour left of available daycare, it would take 10 minutes to get into the pool and even longer to get everyone back out. I thought about taking all 3 of them but I couldn't keep all 3 of them safe by myself so I had to tell them we couldn't swim. Another broken promise made by mom.
I felt guilty. I feel guilty a lot. I felt guilty getting to sleep later than David, losing my temper when I asked Madelyn to get her shoes on for the 4th time, guilty for forgetting my swimsuit and ruining our fun time, guilty for just wanting to sit on the couch and relax when we got home because the 1.5 hour long trip to Wal-Mart completely drained all the energy I had. Guilty for not being at home when David got there for lunch. Guilty for feeling guilty over stupid things that don't actually matter AT ALL.
So to try and turn things around we bought some supplies at Wal-Mart to do a project I saw on the internet. It was melting crayons into fun shapes and rainbow colors. Pretty simple and the girls loved it. To be truthful they completely forgot about swimming and just wanted to do something with their mom. Not the mom who breaks promises or gets upset, but the mom that they love unconditionally. I totally tried to get Christopher in on it, but he's too old and not interested in little kid projects anymore. I did wrangle a picture out of him though, and I'm going to make sure he and his dad have some fun time together tomorrow. I try. David tries. We try. That's all we can do.
And before the afternoon was over I realized, I don't have to have it all together. No one has to have it all together because God has it all together. My God has me in his hands and he will never lead me astray. I am a good mom, I love my children so much it hurts, and I try my best to show them God's love but I will fail. Men will always fail you. So never put your complete faith and trust in mankind. I put my faith in Jesus Christ, the redeemer of my soul. He never fails, but it's okay when I do because he's there to pick up the pieces and put them together again.
Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the Lord that will stand. Proverbs 19:21.
For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11
Love,
Lisa
It took what seemed like forever to get everyone fed, dressed for cold weather, into the car, then into the gym and to their rooms. I surprised Madelyn and Charlie with a promise that Annabelle would go to her room and they could go swimming with me. They were so excited, smiling non stop, getting a little crazy like they do when they're looking forward to something, and running around like they'd hit the jackpot.
And then I realize I packed for everyone but me. There was only an hour left of available daycare, it would take 10 minutes to get into the pool and even longer to get everyone back out. I thought about taking all 3 of them but I couldn't keep all 3 of them safe by myself so I had to tell them we couldn't swim. Another broken promise made by mom.
I felt guilty. I feel guilty a lot. I felt guilty getting to sleep later than David, losing my temper when I asked Madelyn to get her shoes on for the 4th time, guilty for forgetting my swimsuit and ruining our fun time, guilty for just wanting to sit on the couch and relax when we got home because the 1.5 hour long trip to Wal-Mart completely drained all the energy I had. Guilty for not being at home when David got there for lunch. Guilty for feeling guilty over stupid things that don't actually matter AT ALL.
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| This boy. This boy with a kind heart that he wears on his sleeve. His God has amazing plans in store for him. |
And before the afternoon was over I realized, I don't have to have it all together. No one has to have it all together because God has it all together. My God has me in his hands and he will never lead me astray. I am a good mom, I love my children so much it hurts, and I try my best to show them God's love but I will fail. Men will always fail you. So never put your complete faith and trust in mankind. I put my faith in Jesus Christ, the redeemer of my soul. He never fails, but it's okay when I do because he's there to pick up the pieces and put them together again.
Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the Lord that will stand. Proverbs 19:21.
For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11
Love,
Lisa
Tuesday, January 6, 2015
I rocked Charlie.
Madelyn said "mama, Charlie's asleep on the couch." So I looked over and sure enough, she was fast asleep. I instantly knew what I wanted to do. Pick her up, carry her to her room, and rock her. So I took a quick picture and did just that.
I haven't rocked Charlie in a very long time and I needed this. She melted into me as I held her and listened to her breathe. I picked up her little hand and held it against my face, kissed her what seemed like at least 100 times, and then cried. She's not a baby anymore and while that's exciting, it's sad. I adore watching her learning new things and seeing her inner person emerge. I look at all of my children and think about how I won't remember these moments when they're older. Time passing away and taking these memories with it.
While wiping my tears I started praying. I pray every night for my children but this one was different. You know the prayers where the words flow freely, there's no energy spent, and you know it's coming from your soul.
"God, please take their hearts, and help me preserve them for you. Please give them someone to walk along side them that has their best interests at hand and will never lead them astray from you. Please help them keep their innocence as long as possible and help me guard it as well. Please help me be in the moment and if you have to knock me to the ground to be there then that's what I want. Please let me show your love so that I lead by example."
After I finished praying I sat with Charlie a little longer. I put her in her bed and walked out of her room. My soul felt heavy and sad because I know my babies are growing up and they won't need me as much anymore, but then God told me that it's okay and he has more planned for me.
I haven't rocked Charlie in a very long time and I needed this. She melted into me as I held her and listened to her breathe. I picked up her little hand and held it against my face, kissed her what seemed like at least 100 times, and then cried. She's not a baby anymore and while that's exciting, it's sad. I adore watching her learning new things and seeing her inner person emerge. I look at all of my children and think about how I won't remember these moments when they're older. Time passing away and taking these memories with it.
While wiping my tears I started praying. I pray every night for my children but this one was different. You know the prayers where the words flow freely, there's no energy spent, and you know it's coming from your soul.
"God, please take their hearts, and help me preserve them for you. Please give them someone to walk along side them that has their best interests at hand and will never lead them astray from you. Please help them keep their innocence as long as possible and help me guard it as well. Please help me be in the moment and if you have to knock me to the ground to be there then that's what I want. Please let me show your love so that I lead by example."
After I finished praying I sat with Charlie a little longer. I put her in her bed and walked out of her room. My soul felt heavy and sad because I know my babies are growing up and they won't need me as much anymore, but then God told me that it's okay and he has more planned for me.
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| "Lord, let salvation spring up within my children, that they may obtain the salvation that is in Christ Jesus, with eternal glory." (Isa. 45:8; 2 Tim. 2:10) |
Tuesday, December 30, 2014
A Schrag Kind of Christmas
Like a lot of people, Christmas is our favorite time of year. The crisp air, glowing lights, holiday shopping, and extra time with family. It just goes by way too fast. Every year I look at David and say "why can't the stupid hot weather go by this fast?"
But alas, it's over and now it's time to reflect upon the year and make resolutions for the new one. But first, I'd like to remember what this Christmas was all about, Jesus Christ and family.
We've made some traditions as a family that I absolutely adore. The first one is that on Christmas Eve we let the kids open one present each and it includes new pajamas to wear that night and a new blanket. I try to remember to wash everything first, but this year I didn't, so I had to wash a quick load before bath time.
We also bake a birthday cake for Jesus and make reindeer dust. Charlie got to pick out the cake this year and it was chocolate cake with chocolate frosting. They all took turns decorating and we sang happy birthday to Jesus. And if you're unfamiliar with reindeer dust, it is a mixture of oatmeal and glitter. You sprinkle it on your lawn so that Santa can see the glitter sparkle from the sky and the oatmeal is to feed the reindeer. I believe there are several different variations out there. We chose the most simple one.
We follow that by making popcorn with M&M's and watching a Christmas movie. It's usually Home Alone or Jingle All The Way. I don't think anyone ate popcorn but me. They just tried to fish all of the candy out of the bowl.
It was now bedtime so we followed our normal routine. Bath, teeth brushing, book reading, saying prayers, and then chasing them back into their rooms for about 30 minutes. We always read The Night Before Christmas to the kids and they get all excited dreaming about the morning to come.
During the next hour I was the look out. That really meant I got to sit on the couch and watch TV while David finished wrapping gifts. Earlier in the day I took the kids to Little Giggles so David could wrap gifts but he didn't finish.
About an hour later he was done. We ate leftover pizza and started watching National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation, the best Christmas movie ever! Unfortunately we were so tired that we both fell asleep on the couch before making it halfway through the movie. We woke up, grabbed the stockings, put them by the fireplace, put our elf Giggles away, and went to bed.
7:30 AM and it's Christmas morning! We read Luke Chapter 2 to the kids before we allowed them to open any gifts, because that's the real reason for Christmas right? This year instead of missing it all while trying to take pictures, I sat my phone down and just recorded everything. I'm always trying to get more video. Pictures are great but there's just something about being able to listen to their tiny voices and laughter on camera.
We spent the afternoon with my sister's family and my mom and step dad. We ate traditional Christmas food and opened gifts. Then for the last special treat of the day, Madelyn and I wet to see Annie at the movie theatre. It was a great day. One to Remember.
Above all the gifts, laughter, memories, and food, Jesus is what matters. He should always be the center of your circle. The stronger your relationship with God, the stronger the relationships with your family and friends will be. I love my God, but he still loves me more. He loves me perfectly despite my faults and he loves you despite yours.
Love,
The Schrags
But alas, it's over and now it's time to reflect upon the year and make resolutions for the new one. But first, I'd like to remember what this Christmas was all about, Jesus Christ and family.
We've made some traditions as a family that I absolutely adore. The first one is that on Christmas Eve we let the kids open one present each and it includes new pajamas to wear that night and a new blanket. I try to remember to wash everything first, but this year I didn't, so I had to wash a quick load before bath time.
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| New pajamas and blankets. I think we have around 20 blankets now, but there's always fort building right?! |
We follow that by making popcorn with M&M's and watching a Christmas movie. It's usually Home Alone or Jingle All The Way. I don't think anyone ate popcorn but me. They just tried to fish all of the candy out of the bowl.
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| Happy Birthday Jesus! |
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| We didn't have any glitter so cake sprinkles did the trick. Saving some money. |
During the next hour I was the look out. That really meant I got to sit on the couch and watch TV while David finished wrapping gifts. Earlier in the day I took the kids to Little Giggles so David could wrap gifts but he didn't finish.
About an hour later he was done. We ate leftover pizza and started watching National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation, the best Christmas movie ever! Unfortunately we were so tired that we both fell asleep on the couch before making it halfway through the movie. We woke up, grabbed the stockings, put them by the fireplace, put our elf Giggles away, and went to bed.
7:30 AM and it's Christmas morning! We read Luke Chapter 2 to the kids before we allowed them to open any gifts, because that's the real reason for Christmas right? This year instead of missing it all while trying to take pictures, I sat my phone down and just recorded everything. I'm always trying to get more video. Pictures are great but there's just something about being able to listen to their tiny voices and laughter on camera.
We spent the afternoon with my sister's family and my mom and step dad. We ate traditional Christmas food and opened gifts. Then for the last special treat of the day, Madelyn and I wet to see Annie at the movie theatre. It was a great day. One to Remember.
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| The last picture on Christmas Eve night. |
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| You can see the frustration right? "Why do we have to take a picture? We want to open gifts!" |
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| Stockings first. Christopher opened his so fast I couldn't even get a picture. |
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| I think he was reading his xbox gift card. |
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| Santa always brings the necessities to the baby's stocking. |
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| Lip gloss! |
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| Her first pair of kitten heels, and they're red glitter. She has worn them every day since Christmas. |
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| They're own doll carriers made by a friend. |
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| And the best gift of all. After 3 years we have a trampoline in our back yard! |
Above all the gifts, laughter, memories, and food, Jesus is what matters. He should always be the center of your circle. The stronger your relationship with God, the stronger the relationships with your family and friends will be. I love my God, but he still loves me more. He loves me perfectly despite my faults and he loves you despite yours.
Love,
The Schrags
Monday, December 15, 2014
A Pretty Perfect Day.
It's been way too long since my last post and I promise myself to do it more often. It's not only therapeutic but the 15 minutes it takes to put together will be priceless 15 years from now.
My wonderful new/old friend Michal and I are experimenting with kid swapping and it's pretty terrific! We each get the fun on watching our kids play together and some free time so it's a win-win all around. Today was her turn to watch my hooligans and it just so happens that David had the day off.
We pretty much drove up to Michal's door and tossed the kids out of the car and sped away. Just kidding. We slowed down first. Ha! The first destination was Kohl's then David actually agreed to go to TJ Maxx with me. Pigs must have flown over the house last night.
We continued shopping until we finished with our Christmas list! We've made a vow not to buy the kids anything else before then so we will see how that goes. If anyone reading this is without children, my advice is to never build Christmas up too early. That sets expectations high and it's difficult to lower them. It was nothing to spend $500 on one or two children, but with four that's no longer possible. Plus as most parents believe, the materialism of Christmas has gotten out of hand. Whew, that was my lesson for the day apparently.
After we got home I nursed Annabelle and put her to sleep so the bigger kids and I could make peppermint hand scrubs for teachers and nursery workers at church. They do so much for my kids and we love them dearly, so a small token of appreciation was definitely in order.
I googled a recipe and we got to working. Christopher was tested with multiplication of a recipe and he quickly became bored a retreated to his room. Madelyn grabbed a spoon without me knowing and began eating the sugar. Charlie found a brown paper bag and started using it as a suitcase for every toy she could find... I was left to make scrub by myself. At least until it came time for the fun part, putting it into the containers. I'm pretty impressed and wish I would have bought another container for myself! Peppermint oil is a favorite of mine and my house smelled like heaven.
Now it's time to get the house picked up, get the girls ready to go stay the night with grandma, pick up Greyson and take the boys to wrestling. It's been a pretty perfect day. God is great and he has given me so much more than I will ever deserve. I honestly try to show God's love whenever I can and it makes me feel closer to him.
Numbers 6:24-26 “The Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make his face shine on you and be gracious to you; the Lord turn his face toward you and give you peace."
Love always,
Lisa
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| Michal had it covered. |
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| My handsome husband! |
We pretty much drove up to Michal's door and tossed the kids out of the car and sped away. Just kidding. We slowed down first. Ha! The first destination was Kohl's then David actually agreed to go to TJ Maxx with me. Pigs must have flown over the house last night.
We continued shopping until we finished with our Christmas list! We've made a vow not to buy the kids anything else before then so we will see how that goes. If anyone reading this is without children, my advice is to never build Christmas up too early. That sets expectations high and it's difficult to lower them. It was nothing to spend $500 on one or two children, but with four that's no longer possible. Plus as most parents believe, the materialism of Christmas has gotten out of hand. Whew, that was my lesson for the day apparently.
After we got home I nursed Annabelle and put her to sleep so the bigger kids and I could make peppermint hand scrubs for teachers and nursery workers at church. They do so much for my kids and we love them dearly, so a small token of appreciation was definitely in order.
I googled a recipe and we got to working. Christopher was tested with multiplication of a recipe and he quickly became bored a retreated to his room. Madelyn grabbed a spoon without me knowing and began eating the sugar. Charlie found a brown paper bag and started using it as a suitcase for every toy she could find... I was left to make scrub by myself. At least until it came time for the fun part, putting it into the containers. I'm pretty impressed and wish I would have bought another container for myself! Peppermint oil is a favorite of mine and my house smelled like heaven.
Now it's time to get the house picked up, get the girls ready to go stay the night with grandma, pick up Greyson and take the boys to wrestling. It's been a pretty perfect day. God is great and he has given me so much more than I will ever deserve. I honestly try to show God's love whenever I can and it makes me feel closer to him.
Numbers 6:24-26 “The Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make his face shine on you and be gracious to you; the Lord turn his face toward you and give you peace."
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| Christopher put the ipad away to help. This is big! |
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| This little girl steals my heart when she says "mama I wanna hewp you." |
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| Don't worry, the sugar I caught her sticking her tongue in was thrown away. |
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| This was the best part! |
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| The color is off because these are a beautiful mint hue. It was very easy and I hope they bring smiles to our favorite people's faces. |
Love always,
Lisa
Thursday, September 18, 2014
My terrible, awful, horrible, not good, bad day.
I will be upfront and let you know this will be completely negative. This is for my benefit and will not uplift anyone so please feel free to stop reading and move onto something better. Today has been the hardest day of my journey so far. But I cannot take my frustration out on 4 children and I try not to take it out on my husband so here I go.
I woke up pissed off! You know those days when you wake up and already know it's not going to go well and everything is going to be negative. Yep, that was today. And sorry for the language but that's the best explanation I have.
I didn't want to go to the gym, I didn't want to change another diaper, I didn't want to argue with 2 irrational children, I didn't want to do another 3 loads of laundry, clean dishes, mop, sweep, etc... What I wanted to do was eat the sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit that made it into my McDonald's bag yesterday by mistake. Then eat a bagel with butter, a couple pieces of bacon, some sausage, some biscuits with gravy, and a Mt. Dew. So that not only upset me because I wanted to eat an entire grocery store but knowing that I can't eat those foods ever... Moderation is not something I am good at and I was born with the metabolism of a slug so I have to say bye to the things I love. And by the things I love I mean food. Good food. Carbohydrates saturated in fats food. And you know what? It's not fair. It's not fair that some people can eat a truck load of Little Debbie cakes while washing it down with sweet tea and NEVER gain a pound. It's not fair that some people don't really care about food and have to remind themselves to eat something. It's not fair that for some reason the part of my brain that is supposed to tell me I'm satisfied doesn't work. IT'S NOT FAIR!
Not to mention Madelyn and Charlie was extremely ill-behaved today. Annabelle bit me twice while nursing her, and I had to wake both babies up in order to get Christopher to gymnastics on time. That only meant one thing. David would get home late. That was just another hour of being ganged up on by little people who you cannot reason with and will do the exact opposite that I ask of them.
Now it's dinner time and I shut myself in my bedroom to get 20 minutes to myself. There is chicken ready to eat and dang it, I DON'T WANT CHICKEN! I want what other people are having... Then there's sweeping the same floors I've swept 4 times already, more dishes, more diapers, more frustration. More reminding myself that I am again in the place I said I would never be again. Agonizing about losing the weight I gained while just doing what I love. Eating.
So with all that being said, I will eat the stupid chicken and pretend it's something that tastes good. I will thank God for everything that I am obviously taking for granted and complaining about. I will ask for his forgiveness and strength. And I will ask that tomorrow be a better day.
I woke up pissed off! You know those days when you wake up and already know it's not going to go well and everything is going to be negative. Yep, that was today. And sorry for the language but that's the best explanation I have.
I didn't want to go to the gym, I didn't want to change another diaper, I didn't want to argue with 2 irrational children, I didn't want to do another 3 loads of laundry, clean dishes, mop, sweep, etc... What I wanted to do was eat the sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit that made it into my McDonald's bag yesterday by mistake. Then eat a bagel with butter, a couple pieces of bacon, some sausage, some biscuits with gravy, and a Mt. Dew. So that not only upset me because I wanted to eat an entire grocery store but knowing that I can't eat those foods ever... Moderation is not something I am good at and I was born with the metabolism of a slug so I have to say bye to the things I love. And by the things I love I mean food. Good food. Carbohydrates saturated in fats food. And you know what? It's not fair. It's not fair that some people can eat a truck load of Little Debbie cakes while washing it down with sweet tea and NEVER gain a pound. It's not fair that some people don't really care about food and have to remind themselves to eat something. It's not fair that for some reason the part of my brain that is supposed to tell me I'm satisfied doesn't work. IT'S NOT FAIR!
Not to mention Madelyn and Charlie was extremely ill-behaved today. Annabelle bit me twice while nursing her, and I had to wake both babies up in order to get Christopher to gymnastics on time. That only meant one thing. David would get home late. That was just another hour of being ganged up on by little people who you cannot reason with and will do the exact opposite that I ask of them.
Now it's dinner time and I shut myself in my bedroom to get 20 minutes to myself. There is chicken ready to eat and dang it, I DON'T WANT CHICKEN! I want what other people are having... Then there's sweeping the same floors I've swept 4 times already, more dishes, more diapers, more frustration. More reminding myself that I am again in the place I said I would never be again. Agonizing about losing the weight I gained while just doing what I love. Eating.
So with all that being said, I will eat the stupid chicken and pretend it's something that tastes good. I will thank God for everything that I am obviously taking for granted and complaining about. I will ask for his forgiveness and strength. And I will ask that tomorrow be a better day.
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